He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
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