and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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