He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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