had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
