I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
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It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
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AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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