remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
