a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
