She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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