he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
