The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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