Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
