Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
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