well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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