It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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