Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
