I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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