I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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