My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
