There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
