When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
