and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
