Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
