You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
