My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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