i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
