Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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