Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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