When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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