She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
