What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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