This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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