my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
