Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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