Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
