When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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