yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
