You're completely useless in the revolution.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
