When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
