I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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