Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
