god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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