Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
