you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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