Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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