the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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