so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
