I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
