I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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