Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
