Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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