I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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