It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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