guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
