Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
