If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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