and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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