btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
