Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
