I got chris browned last night
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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