He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
