i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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